Memorial Day Weekend Pre-Weekend

Well since I'll be away for the weekend, this might be my last chance to get my message out until Tuesday. I will hopefully think of something to write because as of right now, my mind is blank.

I guess I can talk about this weekend coming up. It's Sophia's Wedding, which I'm extremely excited about, and everyone else seems to be too. I have my baggage at work with me, just need to get to the bus. I hate the fucking bus. Greyhound was the cheapest way to go, so that's what I'm taking. I'm looking forward to Boston itself, and it's always fun to go, but the bus really takes some of the fun out of it. I mean it's gonna be at least 5 hours on the bus each way. So out of a regular weekend that consists of 48 hours, starting at 6pm on Friday-6pm Sunday, only 38 of those hours would I be in Boston. And most of that time I'll be sleeping. Also, I'm not even considering the fact that most of the time I'm not working in the city. So if I'm on Long Island...Alright, this is getting out of hand, I'm sorry.

My point is the bus sucks. The good part about this trip is that I get an extra day for Memorial Day so I'll have more time.

What a waste of my time. This post was weak, but it's these posts that I think I like the most. Because though it may waste my time writing them, I can only hope that people read this so it wastes their time as well. So as long as you were not entertained by this post, I'm happy.

10th Post Party

Wow. Who would've thought that I would've made it this far. 10 posts. It seems so long ago that I started this thing. I didn't think it would turn out as big as it has. I mean what started as something that I did as a second thought in my room has now become this sensation that I know do at work when I get free time. I would also like to thank my readers. Without you, this blog would still be at zero hits, read by no one. But with your guys help we've reached 23x the expected visit goal. That makes a total of 23 people who have read this blog.

And I have to say, without the support of my 1 follower, Adam, I don't know if I would still be doing this today.

Watching an Animal Poop VERSUS Watching Two Animals Have Sex

After writing Unicorn VS Dragon yesterday, I thought it would be fun to do another one. On my train ride back from the city I thought of my trip to the Bronx Zoo. During this trip, in 6th grade (possibly 5th, but not 2nd) I had the pleasure, no PRIVILAGE..., no pleasure of seeing a full grown Rhino urinate. Urinate is the wrong word. Urinate is what an old man prays to God to do. What this Rhino did was mark his territory. He peed like 30 racehorses, 4 firehoses, and 1 really good shower head, all combined. Even though I was young (not 2nd grade young) and kids have been known to exaggerate, this memory will be remembered exactly as it happened. With a solid distance of 1/2 mile, the Rhino was completely unfazed by this miracle. It was amazing.

So while I thought of this on the train after work, I thought a good challenge would be Poop or Sex. In this case, either pick can be argued, which I will do, and either pick is acceptable to choose, but please remember how great both these things are.

Since I just discussed the pee story, I'll change the topic and move to Animals Having Sex. There are a lot of pros to this. Sex in general is something that Americans choose to hide in the shadows. People talk about sex, but it's always surrounded by some type of taboo or sin. So when someone sees two animals having sex IN PUBLIC, not caring about anything else, it's really funny. The degree of hilariousness is greatly affected by the animal that is having sex, but I can't think of any one animal I wouldn't enjoy watching trying to procreate. What really works well is when animals of two different species try to do some sexual act. This is commonly found with household pets, but Greek historians have found records of such indecent acts dating back to 30 B.C. In fact the term "at it like rabbits" comes from the fact that rabbits do indeed have sex and a lot.

Let's move past history and move to my favorite part of animals having sex. It is so great, the pinnacle of hilarity, but some teenagers may not even consider it sex. I'm talking about the legenardy animal sixty nine. Dogs do this a lot, and it never gets old. The idea that these animals want to spice up their sex life, get a little kinkier, could only be made better if they started dressing up. Which is why you should always keep your eyes out on Halloween.

I could probably keep going, but I feel that a lot of what makes animals having sex funny is almost indescribable. You just know that its funny, so you laugh.

So let's on to the other half of this. Animals pooping. This is another category that is inately funny. Unlike sex, poop is on a different level. Discussing sex between people is usually about love or hate or drama, rarely does it involve comedy. But poop on the other hand is always funny. Have you ever made your friends look at your poop and not laughed. Even the mention of someone pooping is funny. I spend most drunken nights telling girls that they have pooped. Even most of my life lessons involve assjuice. So poop is funny.

Well for some reason when you take poop and a stupid animal, it's even funnier. The bigger the animal the funnier it is. And what I think makes it really funny is the fact they don't care. A horse could be in the middle of the Kentucky Derby and just start shitting. A elephant at the circus. He's got to go when he goes. And one of the best parts is when the animal finds the poop amusing. Which usually leads to the animal sniffing/eating it, or playing with it. The most common animal associated with playing with poop is a monkey. Picture a monkey. Now picture that monkey holding poop. Now picture him sniffing it. Now picture another monkey pushing poop monkey. That poop is getting thrown. Hilarity ensues.

It's hard for me to really pick a clear winner but I do thing that animals pooping is not only more universal, but also has more types of funny. Animals having sex is always animals having sex. Animals with poop could lead to alot of different things. So I'm gonna go with the pooping for now.

Just an FYI for everyone. It's O.K. for animals to have sex in public. For the most part, no one is going to get upset about it. But you are not an animal, you are a Human. Remember that and keep your sex life private.

Unicorn VS. Dragon

Well I'm back to work, this time at HBO. I'm basically doing exactly what I did while I interned here, but getting more money, and I'd like to think, better professional experience. So here I am with a decent break in my day and decided to write down the mental debate I've been having for the past 30 minutes.

Unicorn VS. Dragon

I know what you are thinking. "Dave these are two mythical creatures that don't exist." That may be true, but we're just here to have some fun guys.

Alright, so the question I'm asking two really two fold. 1st, which would you rather have exist and Deuce, which would win in a fight. Now before you go saying dragon for both, I'm going to defend Unicorn on both parts, and even if you still haven't changed your mind by the end, I at least hope that my run-on sentences have made you at least think, nay, dream about a grander more idyllic life.

Alright, let's talk about which would win in a fight. I'm going to discuss this first because my argument here will greatly affect which should exist. This may seem stupid, but it wouldn't be a close fight. Yeah, Unicorns are always portrayed as girly and gay, but we don't know much about them. Think of a movie with a Unicorn in it. I got one, Anchorman. One of the best comedies ever made. But that's about it. These well-known beasts have remained to stay out of media for quite some time. My point is basically, there's not much we know about them, so they could be things we don't think of. For example, can a unicorn fly? Yes. I've always seen them in the sky, but I'm pretty sure for it to fly it needs the power of a rainbow to give it that ability. Dragons can always fly.

In general, horses are fast. A mythical horse has to be able to run at supersonic speeds. Why else would someone just make up this horse. Alright so a really fast flying horse. A unicorn also has a huge advantage over a dragon. Leadership. If a unicorn came up to me and asked me to fight beside him, hovering in mid air with rainbows all around him, I think I'd say yes. I'd just be impressed.

Now if a dragon started breathing fire and landed in front of me, I'd either start running or shooting him before he said a word. It would be very frightening.

So the question now becomes Dragon vs. Unicorn + Human Army. I don't even think I should limit it to Human Army. If a unicorn could convince a human to join it's cause, it is pretty obvious that it could convince the entire Animal Kingdom to defend it's honor.

Finally, last but not least, the horn. The reason why unicorns are killed are not for their delicious meat, but their precious horn. Made out of Mithril, a unicorns horn can pierce anything, except for another unicorn horn. Last time two unicorn horns touched, the universe was created.

Yeah, the dragon can fly to, and breathe fire, but the huge disadvantage it has is its popularity. There are dozens and dozens of stories and books and movies about dragons. It's basically like a coach having unlimited sports tape on a player and the other team having no tape. Which team is gonna win? Unicorn.

The second part of the question which would you rather have is much harder in my opinion. Dragons would cause much destruction, possibly destroying the world, killing all humans, but Dragons destruction is purely physical. We have the ability to fight back.

The unicorn is much more treacherous. The have the ability to raise an army of all animals and some humans. Mind control is not a road I want to travel on, especially because I don't have 4-wheel drive. A unicorn could convince you to fight with him, but you are fighting for the wrong team. You are a slave to the unicorns horn. Horny will no longer be a term used to describe one's sexual want, but a term to describe a fellow human being who has turned against his kind and become a zombie infested with the hatred of the Unicorn. "The Puerto Ricans have become really horny since The Unicorn took over South America."

So I think I'd actually pick the dragon. We have enough technology and weapons to take down a dragon. We cannot stop a unicorn. Which is exactly why in the battle of Unicorn VS. Dragon, Unicorn wins.


Lost finale was on last night and instead of getting all nerdy about it, I'll simply say I really enjoyed it and thought it ended perfectly.

Just Another Old Fashioned Love Post

So here I am, once again writing in my inebriated state. I was going to fall asleep in my car tonight. No, I know my limits. I wouldn't drive home drunk. And to be honest, I didn't want to leave my car there. But even though I had a pillow and blanket, my friends decided that they wouldn't leave until they shook my car for at least (gueestimating?) 48 minutes.

Now I'm on the verge of sleeping, so I'll try to finish up this quickly. I don't usually reread my posts or use them for reminders but I want my next post to be about karaoke, so I hope that i do indeed read this.

After Thoughts

So I was in the mood to keep writing but I thought it would be good to break up my posts to limit boredom of my readers.

After Lost tonight, which happened to not only be great, but also said in that it's the next to last episode ever, I decided to get ready for the gym. Steiger said he was too tired so I drank a couple of drinks and packed a few lips. Now I'm wide awake and will continue my pointless dribble.

Well to be honest, I'm not wide awake. To be even more honest, this isn't pointless dribble. If all goes according to plan, this will lead me to a book deal worth roughly 2.1 million and will prove that the van was a bad idea.

Now I will talk about my cat, BUSTER. This stupid little guy always gets me. He spends most of his nights awake either in the backyard doing god knows what, dealing drugs, doing drugs, raping other cats, fighting other cats, raping dogs...who knows. Then after those drug induced nights, he spends a majority of the day sleeping on my futon. When I try to wrestle with him, as I would a dog or even a woman, he scratches me. When I try to throw him against the wall, as I would a dog or even a woman, he scratches me. When I try to have my way with him, as I would a dog or even a woman, he scratches me. I still love him for some reason, probably because I know, one day he'll grow old and he won't be able to scratch me when I try to molest him.

I deleted a section about my hatred for actors because I found it to be boring, so just appreciate the cat section.

Life Plans and Green Man

So here I am at 2:18am on a Tuesday. I've spent the last week and a half unemployed. If you count the 60 hour week I put into "Greetings From Bushwick" that I wasn't paid for, then that's almost a month of unemployment. I remember as a kid planning my life around a life of doing nothing, and now I find myself wanting to work.

I remember being in 6th grade and telling my entire extended family what I wanted to do with my life. Here is that plan. (Keep in mind at this time I was probably the smartest kid in my school with limitless potential.)

My plan was to drop out of school at the legal age of 16. By dropping out of school I would have every hour of my life free. With that time I would get a job at McDonalds, Wendy's, or any place that would pay me at least 8/hr. The way I planned it, I would have basically no expenses and just save my money while living at home. At the time I had friends, but I didn't drink or really party so I had nothing really to buy. So if you do the math: 2 years at 40/hrs per week, at 8/hr=320/week, which is roughly 15,000 a year. The plan was 2 years because then I would purchase a van to live in. The van wouldn't cost much out of the 30,000 grand I saved up. I would spend another 4-6 years living in said van and still working at said job. Now lets say I didn't get a raise and continued at 8/hr. That would give me 60-90 grand saved up after my 4-6 years. With all that time I would've researched stocks and such and used all my savings in the stock market. I would then spend the rest of my life living off my investments.

Reread that if you must because my uncles and aunts still ask me how this plan is going. And even though it showed no motivation or even a brain to accomplish, it's almost brilliant that I came up with it at the age of 12.

It was brilliant. I sometimes think maybe I should've gone that route, but I think it's best I didn't. Here's my current financial situation.

After spending my money in California, I now live with my parents still looking for work. But let's get more specific.

I went to Boston University where I had a great time. There were a few ups and downs, but I had some really great ups. Freshman year I met some great people, Sophomore year I made even more friends and developed a drinking habit that would define who I am today. Junior year I got into a pretty good feel of things, solidifying my friendships and really getting into my first relationship with a girl. I had a good work study job throughout college and summer after junior year I worked at HBO. Said relationship ended at the beginning of Senior year, which was really my fault and doing and has alot of negative feedback from not only the girl (everyone knows who, but out of sake of privacy will not name) but also my friends. Even looking back it was probably really stupid I did it, even now I'm confused why, but at the time I thought it was a good idea. Anyway, Senior year started out well. Made even more friends, took my drinking to an even higher level and did my proudest work at a film student; the Green Man documentary. I was the Green Man before any of these other people were and I thought I really did it justice. Beyond Green Man I tried to have a relationship with another girl which didn't really work out and had some other experiences with other girls, but nothing stuck. Second semester senior year I basically didn't give a crap. After sleeping through my 1st time registration, I was left with no classes. I tried at Spanish but almost failed, I actually failed my Film Theory class and was left to take my first ever summer class, "Hollywood Blockbusters." That class was exactly how I wanted to end my college experience. By the end of the summer I saved 4-5 grand and planned on moving to Cali with some good friends.

So I moved to Oakland which was a great idea at the time. I probably should've planned ahead more, as me and Kirsten soon found out. I had to move back home after not finding a job. So that basically brings me back to today. Living home for the past 6 months, have been ok, but I've been borderline poor. And the drinking habit that defined me has almost defined my poorness.

So if I followed my 6th grade plans I probably would've still been in that van, but with no friends no will for life, no nothing. With my current life, I'm achieving the film career I want, with friends, but no money. I've made mistakes in my current plan, but I probably would've resorted to hardcore drugs or porn living in that van. So I'm happy with my life, for what it is and what it will hopefully be.

This is a longer post, and more posts will probably be about my past life, these situations will probably be more elaborated on, but I think it's a good post. So I will finish this with a mindful point.

Your 6th grade dreams of living in a van next to McDonalds may seem great (I can only assume everyone else had similar dreams) but keep on living your life. You have years ahead of you...until you are 25, then give up and find that van and move into it.

Next post coming immediatly after this.

Softball Sunday

So I'm hanging out at Duke's house with him and his bro. While they play NHL I figured I'd write something. I feel like writing without purpose might be boring to everyone else, but is a good habit to get into. So as of write know I have no idea what I'm going to write about.

I guess I'll start with my most recent trip to the gym. After Steiger completed a full workout week he suggested that we do legs. LEGS. If you know me, then you probably know how great my legs look. I didn't really think I needed to work them out, but I did. Also, one thing a gym can't do is make you grow hair. Yeah you can get surgery and use lasers to remove hair, or if you are Keith Hernandez or Elliot Smith use products to give you the illusion to grow hair on your head, but leg hair is God's will. You are either blessed or cursed. And God has blessed me with the gift of leg hair. As a guy you may be reading this and saying, I have leg hair, in fact I don't even tan, I just grow hair. As a girl you may be saying, I shave my legs what is this guy, no man, talking about leg hair for. Well assholes, you should look at my legs. My legs are a forest, nor or they a barren desert, they have the perfect amount of leg hair. Just enough to make them manly, yet lacking the density of a Sasquatch. My legs are ALMOST perfect. I remember in junior high school running and a girl complementing my legs as I ran. Never Forget. Since then I have taken great pride in my legs.

Everyone should take great pride in something about them. Let's be real people, looks are important. Let's be even more real, my legs are fantastic. If you are reading this, take a moment and please yourself to the visual of my legs. You can picture me streching or running or even walking up stairs. Have you climaxed yet? No. Then let's seal the deal.

We have now entered the Tie portion of this blog. Listen, I don't dress up often, I wouldn't even say that I have good hygiene. But when it comes to dress shirts and ties, I know my shit. Shut your mouth. Stop talking shit and believe it. Or if you are black Be-leed that. I'm fucking awesome at dressing up. Here's a list of my shirts and ties. I'm currently wearing a light blue shirt with a a orange/pink/silver Alfani Tie. Not good enough. Back at home I have a black shirt that goes well with my silver tie. No. I also have a sweet ass green Express shirt that works great with my Orange and Silver Express Tie. I also have great blue tie that works good with my red shirt.

The reason I bring this all up is so if you couldn't get off to the picture, you can now get off to the picture of me wearing any of those shirts and ties with my God delicious legs. You could even use my tie in a sexual manner as long as you use them with my legs. Like tie up my legs with my tie then proceed to stroke your genitals on my thighs.

I'll end this with a religious point. There has to be a God. I mean, evolution makes sense, but my legs were definitely a part of God's Intelligent Design. When Jesus was riding his Dinosaurs back in the day, he didn't give a shit about the sins of man. He sacrificed himself knowing and hoping that His Father would create these legs.

Marathon Speech

Here's the speech I previously mentioned. I didn't make any changes. This is what I dicated to Adam and here's what was what he wrote down. If you aren't inspired by this or you think it's stupid, this blog isn't for you.

You guys sit around and complain about how crappy class is and how shitty your life is, but when you get the opportunity to go out and do something fun, you pass it up. You probably think this is so stupid, but you know what, stupid is good. Stupid is what in 10 years from now you’ll remember. You won't tell your friends about the day you stayed inside on a rainy day; you'll tell your friends about the time you went out in the pouring rain just to watch some people run a race. And most of them might not even understand it, but you'll know that on this day you stood proud to be a drunken fool in the pouring rain just to cheer on your fellow man, just to be a part of something so much bigger than yourself, but at the same time almost indescribably smaller than one can imagine. This day is yours. If you pass it up, you won't even notice, but if you decide that you will grasp what is in front of you, that you will take advantage of it, the reward you will receive will be better than money, better than value. It will be a bond of friendship, an unbreakable connection that you will forever share with those you spent the day with. You may say this is stupid – and it may be so – but stupid is what matters. It is what you don't want to do that drives you, it is the passion you'll remember not the reason. It is the drive you want and not the answer. If you sit around waiting for your dream to come true, you sit for no reason. You must stand up and take a hold of that dream before it slips through your fingers. You can live life right now. In this moment, we are all a part of this marathon; we are all victorious; we are all CHAMPIONS!
-Dave

First Drunk Blog 80's Rock

I'm pretty proud of myself. No, not for being drunk, which I am. I'm proud of the fact that in my drunken state of mind I'm willing to write. I could talk about my night of karaoke; which was pretty great. Instead of my usual "Power of Love," and random 80's song, I dueted with Eric on "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." But this isn't really my point.

In fact I don't have a point. I'm watching "Modern Warfare" Community episode which happens to be, in my opinion, the best 30 minutes of TV since... well since...O.K. well it's good. My lack of references is due to the fact that I'm in toxicated.

Since it's still early in this blog, and in my mind most of the people who read this arne't the imaginary elfs that live in my brain, there's a lot of information about me that people don't know.

I'll dedicate the rest of this blog to a small fact that people don't know which is...well...everyone know's my love for dogs so that's out...and everyone know's my love for 80's shitty rock music, but I really want to write about it...so here I go.

As I pack a lip and spit it into the solo cup full of sunflower seeds, I really want to listen to my favorite music. Even when I was at karaoke, I wanted to sing Styx or REO Speedwago or Huey Lewis or even Village People. (Note: Village People may have been 70's but that doesn't make Macho Man any less timeless).

So now that I'm finally on my point of 80's Rock. Yeah I could talk about Poison or Ratt, but that's not the music that I listen to. The music I listen to may be shitty, but I'd rather listen to "Keep On Loving You" than La Bouche any day of the week. I always tell people that I live for myself. Not in a selfish way, not in a stubborn way, but in a way that I enjoy my life. I like Elliot Smith, I like Bright Eyes, but when I want to just listen to music I'll put on my 80's Rock music, no matter now bad it is. Why? Probably cause I don't care. Yeah there are hipsters and rappers and assholes that like their music, but I like music that I think is not only fun to listen too, but music that doesn't make me slash my wrist.

Oh. I didn't realize you went to a small private party with 20 other people where the lead singer of Goo Goo Dolls gave a handjob to everyone in the audience. Oh. I'm sorry I didn't go to the concert of the band that no one knows, but you're really cool for going too. Oh, and that band's gonna be really popular in about 4 months and you'll stop listening too. I don't know why or when music became a religion where people became so seperative and secular. (Secular maybe wrong word). Anyway my point is, listen to the music that you like, not the music that makes you feel better than other people. As you read this you may say, well Backstreet Boys make shitty music. Well that shitty music is really fun to listen to.

I'm not trying to convince people or preach my point of view, I'm just saying "Mr. Roboto" is fun to listen to no matter who you are. So listen to the fucking song and enjoy it.

Alright I'm happy I wrote this and tomorrow I'll probably wake up and say, "Man that was alot of stupid shit I wrote last night." But fuck it. Go to karaoke and sing a stupid song. Enjoy that group of girls singins "Jesse's Girl" cause no matter how stupid or slutty those girls are, they are having a much happy and better life than you if you can't enjoy it.

In conclusion, sit down and listen to "Don't Stop Believing" or "Roll With The Changes" and just appreciate how you lose yourself in those songs. Appreciate the fact that if you like your life or not, you can just listen to some stupid song and think it's funny. But even in this drunken message I know no one will really understand my point of view. You can like you music, your life, but just respect the stupid.

My next post will defineatly include my "Stupid Speech" and I hope that people appreciate it.

First Post and Hopefully Not Last - Marmaduke

This blog has been made first and foremost for me. It's tool and purpose is to get me to start writing. Since I procrastinate in almost every part of my life, I figured this might help. The second purpose is for me to get my thoughts down and possibly use them in the future. And I guess if anyone chooses to read this and enjoys it, that's a plus as well.

I didn't know what I should write about in my first blog. If anyone is reading this, you probably know who I am, so there's no point in discussing my addiction to porn or my love of Celine Dion; I'll omit obvious person details about my life in this blog.

Instead of writing about something I know about or care about I will instead discuss something that I have almost no knowledge of other than what I just saw on TV.

MARMADUKE.

Without referencing Wikipedia or Googling anything, I'm pretty sure that the new movie Marmaduke is based off of a comic strip. I've heard about it through my life, but I always thought that Marmaduke was a Platypus not a dog. I think that because as a word, Marmaduke seems like it could completely define Platypus. "What's a platypus?" "Well. It's hard to describe. I guess it's kinda Marmadukey.

Alright, so now that we've got the dog part down, I also didn't think he was a great dane. Nor did I think he could talk. I don't know his role in the actual comic strip, but I assume since it's self titled he must have something to say. I'm willing to accept both of these as fine and acceptable.

The ads don't give much away of the plot other than Marmaduke and George Lopez Cat are moving to California and at some point meet up with other dogs to dance to Kesha's Tik Tok. When the commercial was over I wanted more. Not more of plot, or poor CGI, or George Lopez, or even Marmaduke. I wanted to watch those dogs dancing! (Note: The dogs are CGI, at least that's what it seems to be.) Who doesn't want to watch dogs dance for minutes on end. If you go to youtube and search for (animal) dancing, I bet it's got over a million hits.

Assuming that's true and accepting the FACT that people love dancing dogs (real or fake), not only do I believe that Marmaduke has the single best movie advertising campaign since The Dark Knight, but I predict this movie will surpass Avatar in both Domestic and International Gross. I suggest going to www.hsx.com and buying lots of stock in Marmaduke.

Well I hope that at least someone might have been interested in Marmaduke and hopefully my next blogs I'll put more thought into this before I actually start writing.