It's becoming apparent to me now at this point that pregnancy is the first part of life, at least according to these postings, but I do think Birth is a better start, so I will keep Birth as the title until I'm completely done with it.
Back to pregnancy types. There's also insemination. Men with women sometimes have low sperm counts and can't get their wives pregneant. So he jacks off into a clear plastic cup, which is given to a chef, or "doctor" who takes a turkey baster, water gun, or whatever injection device he can find, puts sperm into selected item, and the sperm is shot violently into the woman's genitals. And 7 out of 10 times it works! (There's a 10% chance that's true) The woman usually has to do numerous handstands after operation, but it's worth it.
This procedure is also done with sad single women who can't find love in the real world, so select a donor to provide her with sperm to fill her loneliness with a baby. Lesbians probably do this too, but they usually keep to themselves.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Turkey baster/water gun/injection tool does NOT work in reverse. You CANNOT remove a baby by sucking it out with a turkey baster. DO NOT TRY, but if you do, please buy a new baster for this. If not, don't invite people over for Thanksgiving Dinner and expect them to want seconds. Especially with your unwanted newborn making things awkward.
The last way to get pregnant is test tube babies. I think it was aliens who showed us how to do this, but its not as space aged as those liberals would have you think. Instead of going through the 5 minute hassle of sex, people instead spend hours/day and thousands of dollars talking to doctors and getting a procedure done. Whereas sex has the sperm travel ALL THE WAY through the vagina, this gives sperm an express train ride.
The doctors remove an egg from the woman and plop it down on the table. Then take some sperm from the man put it in a baster and inject it into the egg that was previously plopped down. The egg is then reinserted into the woman, and now she is pregnant. Some women even pay other women to do this because they think having sperm in them is disgustion and being pregnant is weird and just not for them. Also, this way is more humane. Most sperm die during sex, and out of the millions of sperm, you are lucky is the girl even gets pregnant. More sperm die during one night of sex then the total number of Americans killed in WWI and WWII combined).
Finally, couples sometimes pay a woman who is already pregnant for their unwanted child. This woman probably has an unplanned pregnancy and instead of kill the unborn child inside her she decides to have it and just live her life knowing she has a child somewhere in the world that doesn't even know she exists. You'd think that a lot of minorites would be giving their children away, but oddly enough, its mostly white teenagers.
But does it really matter how a woman or couple gets pregnant. Once she's knocked up, shoe's knocked up. When you discover a baby's coming, you should start planning for birth. Everyone I know, alive or dead, started their life by being born. No one just exists, you must be born. I'd say birth may be the most important part of life.
The pregnancy is now over and the baby is about to be born. Prepared for Birth: Part Three soon.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Birth: Part One
Foreword: This was written on the train coming home from the city last night. I'm just going to copy word for word what I wrote.
Birth: Part One
Most people, if not all people, don't have control of their births. In fact, the odds of you existing the exact way that you do is extraordinary. Millions of sperm inside each of the billions of men on earth. Out of all those men, one finds one of the billions of women, sleeps with her, shoots millions of sperm into her vagina during ejaculation and impregnant her egg or eggs. I'm no mathematician, but I'm going to guess with all those people and all them sperm, the odds of you being born is like 1 out of 50. Pretty high right? Well maybe I'll make an equation. It's something like (Sperm X Men)/(Population of Women/Eggs)=50 TRILLION! 50 trillion. Think about that and just how special and rare you really are.
So to be born is pretty special and even though you have no control of it, it is a necessary STEP 1 to Life. You can't live without being born. (At least thats true right now. The future might change that. I'm not sure how cloning works or if people in the Matrix or born or actually grown. But that's for the peopel in the future to worry about. Let's focus on us) Technically, your life begins while you are in the womb. You go through so many stages as you develop in your mother. You start as a simple egg with a sperm, making a whole DNA strand. Once fertilized the egg splits into more and more cells and then you're a fetus. My 8th grade biology education has left me so if you wish to learn more about cleavage and placenta just google it, though in the case of cleavage be sure to add baby or pregnancy in the search, though "pregnant cleavage" might get you some misleading and possibly disturbing pictures. I feel like my statement that you exist before birth is cause for an abortion argument, which isn't what I'm trying to start. Unless the argument involves two woman, HOT women, in bikinis, and the only way to win the argument is to rip the other one's bikini off. In that case, I hope I inspired an informative debate about abortion.
Hot bikini chicks aside, births are special. Special for you, your parents, maybe even the doctor. And before I get to the different types of birth, I will discuss the different types of pregnancy. You have your planned pregnancy where a man and a woman have sex with the only intention to get the woman pregnant, the way God intended it. God loves this type of pregnancy be HE believes sex is evil and should only be done to increase the population of the Catholics. While there's planned pregnancy, there's also unplanned pregnancy. Now the reasons for unplanned pregnancy are plentiful. Condom could've broken, birth control pills were actually candy, the "pull out" method was done too late, a girl intentionally gets pregnant because she's crazy in love with the guy, but the guy is just trying to have a good time. The original plan of "planned pregnancy" failed so couple went back to fun sex, in defiance of God, then got pregnant anyway. There's more. Sitting on a public toiler, anal sex that had some drippage, smoking pot or drinking underage, swallowing instead of spitting, spitting into your vagina, and finally being the Mother of Our Lord And Savior. There's so many ways to get pregnant it is hard to think anyone is not currently pregnant. Anyway, unplanned pregnancies are usually very upsetting at first, BUT then ruin your entire life. Well that's more true for women. The Prom Queen gets pregnant, the Prom King goes to college. The important part to remember about being a baby of an unplanned pregnancy is that you are still special, with regards to the odds of existing, but you are much less special in the eyes of your regretful parents. They don't want you and hopefully they'll put you up for adoption and not put you up in a garbage dumpster. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll cover dumpster babies later on.
Alright, Part One is complete. I wrote more on train, but now's not the time to do anymore writing
Birth: Part One
Most people, if not all people, don't have control of their births. In fact, the odds of you existing the exact way that you do is extraordinary. Millions of sperm inside each of the billions of men on earth. Out of all those men, one finds one of the billions of women, sleeps with her, shoots millions of sperm into her vagina during ejaculation and impregnant her egg or eggs. I'm no mathematician, but I'm going to guess with all those people and all them sperm, the odds of you being born is like 1 out of 50. Pretty high right? Well maybe I'll make an equation. It's something like (Sperm X Men)/(Population of Women/Eggs)=50 TRILLION! 50 trillion. Think about that and just how special and rare you really are.
So to be born is pretty special and even though you have no control of it, it is a necessary STEP 1 to Life. You can't live without being born. (At least thats true right now. The future might change that. I'm not sure how cloning works or if people in the Matrix or born or actually grown. But that's for the peopel in the future to worry about. Let's focus on us) Technically, your life begins while you are in the womb. You go through so many stages as you develop in your mother. You start as a simple egg with a sperm, making a whole DNA strand. Once fertilized the egg splits into more and more cells and then you're a fetus. My 8th grade biology education has left me so if you wish to learn more about cleavage and placenta just google it, though in the case of cleavage be sure to add baby or pregnancy in the search, though "pregnant cleavage" might get you some misleading and possibly disturbing pictures. I feel like my statement that you exist before birth is cause for an abortion argument, which isn't what I'm trying to start. Unless the argument involves two woman, HOT women, in bikinis, and the only way to win the argument is to rip the other one's bikini off. In that case, I hope I inspired an informative debate about abortion.
Hot bikini chicks aside, births are special. Special for you, your parents, maybe even the doctor. And before I get to the different types of birth, I will discuss the different types of pregnancy. You have your planned pregnancy where a man and a woman have sex with the only intention to get the woman pregnant, the way God intended it. God loves this type of pregnancy be HE believes sex is evil and should only be done to increase the population of the Catholics. While there's planned pregnancy, there's also unplanned pregnancy. Now the reasons for unplanned pregnancy are plentiful. Condom could've broken, birth control pills were actually candy, the "pull out" method was done too late, a girl intentionally gets pregnant because she's crazy in love with the guy, but the guy is just trying to have a good time. The original plan of "planned pregnancy" failed so couple went back to fun sex, in defiance of God, then got pregnant anyway. There's more. Sitting on a public toiler, anal sex that had some drippage, smoking pot or drinking underage, swallowing instead of spitting, spitting into your vagina, and finally being the Mother of Our Lord And Savior. There's so many ways to get pregnant it is hard to think anyone is not currently pregnant. Anyway, unplanned pregnancies are usually very upsetting at first, BUT then ruin your entire life. Well that's more true for women. The Prom Queen gets pregnant, the Prom King goes to college. The important part to remember about being a baby of an unplanned pregnancy is that you are still special, with regards to the odds of existing, but you are much less special in the eyes of your regretful parents. They don't want you and hopefully they'll put you up for adoption and not put you up in a garbage dumpster. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll cover dumpster babies later on.
Alright, Part One is complete. I wrote more on train, but now's not the time to do anymore writing
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