It's becoming apparent to me now at this point that pregnancy is the first part of life, at least according to these postings, but I do think Birth is a better start, so I will keep Birth as the title until I'm completely done with it.
Back to pregnancy types. There's also insemination. Men with women sometimes have low sperm counts and can't get their wives pregneant. So he jacks off into a clear plastic cup, which is given to a chef, or "doctor" who takes a turkey baster, water gun, or whatever injection device he can find, puts sperm into selected item, and the sperm is shot violently into the woman's genitals. And 7 out of 10 times it works! (There's a 10% chance that's true) The woman usually has to do numerous handstands after operation, but it's worth it.
This procedure is also done with sad single women who can't find love in the real world, so select a donor to provide her with sperm to fill her loneliness with a baby. Lesbians probably do this too, but they usually keep to themselves.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Turkey baster/water gun/injection tool does NOT work in reverse. You CANNOT remove a baby by sucking it out with a turkey baster. DO NOT TRY, but if you do, please buy a new baster for this. If not, don't invite people over for Thanksgiving Dinner and expect them to want seconds. Especially with your unwanted newborn making things awkward.
The last way to get pregnant is test tube babies. I think it was aliens who showed us how to do this, but its not as space aged as those liberals would have you think. Instead of going through the 5 minute hassle of sex, people instead spend hours/day and thousands of dollars talking to doctors and getting a procedure done. Whereas sex has the sperm travel ALL THE WAY through the vagina, this gives sperm an express train ride.
The doctors remove an egg from the woman and plop it down on the table. Then take some sperm from the man put it in a baster and inject it into the egg that was previously plopped down. The egg is then reinserted into the woman, and now she is pregnant. Some women even pay other women to do this because they think having sperm in them is disgustion and being pregnant is weird and just not for them. Also, this way is more humane. Most sperm die during sex, and out of the millions of sperm, you are lucky is the girl even gets pregnant. More sperm die during one night of sex then the total number of Americans killed in WWI and WWII combined).
Finally, couples sometimes pay a woman who is already pregnant for their unwanted child. This woman probably has an unplanned pregnancy and instead of kill the unborn child inside her she decides to have it and just live her life knowing she has a child somewhere in the world that doesn't even know she exists. You'd think that a lot of minorites would be giving their children away, but oddly enough, its mostly white teenagers.
But does it really matter how a woman or couple gets pregnant. Once she's knocked up, shoe's knocked up. When you discover a baby's coming, you should start planning for birth. Everyone I know, alive or dead, started their life by being born. No one just exists, you must be born. I'd say birth may be the most important part of life.
The pregnancy is now over and the baby is about to be born. Prepared for Birth: Part Three soon.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Birth: Part One
Foreword: This was written on the train coming home from the city last night. I'm just going to copy word for word what I wrote.
Birth: Part One
Most people, if not all people, don't have control of their births. In fact, the odds of you existing the exact way that you do is extraordinary. Millions of sperm inside each of the billions of men on earth. Out of all those men, one finds one of the billions of women, sleeps with her, shoots millions of sperm into her vagina during ejaculation and impregnant her egg or eggs. I'm no mathematician, but I'm going to guess with all those people and all them sperm, the odds of you being born is like 1 out of 50. Pretty high right? Well maybe I'll make an equation. It's something like (Sperm X Men)/(Population of Women/Eggs)=50 TRILLION! 50 trillion. Think about that and just how special and rare you really are.
So to be born is pretty special and even though you have no control of it, it is a necessary STEP 1 to Life. You can't live without being born. (At least thats true right now. The future might change that. I'm not sure how cloning works or if people in the Matrix or born or actually grown. But that's for the peopel in the future to worry about. Let's focus on us) Technically, your life begins while you are in the womb. You go through so many stages as you develop in your mother. You start as a simple egg with a sperm, making a whole DNA strand. Once fertilized the egg splits into more and more cells and then you're a fetus. My 8th grade biology education has left me so if you wish to learn more about cleavage and placenta just google it, though in the case of cleavage be sure to add baby or pregnancy in the search, though "pregnant cleavage" might get you some misleading and possibly disturbing pictures. I feel like my statement that you exist before birth is cause for an abortion argument, which isn't what I'm trying to start. Unless the argument involves two woman, HOT women, in bikinis, and the only way to win the argument is to rip the other one's bikini off. In that case, I hope I inspired an informative debate about abortion.
Hot bikini chicks aside, births are special. Special for you, your parents, maybe even the doctor. And before I get to the different types of birth, I will discuss the different types of pregnancy. You have your planned pregnancy where a man and a woman have sex with the only intention to get the woman pregnant, the way God intended it. God loves this type of pregnancy be HE believes sex is evil and should only be done to increase the population of the Catholics. While there's planned pregnancy, there's also unplanned pregnancy. Now the reasons for unplanned pregnancy are plentiful. Condom could've broken, birth control pills were actually candy, the "pull out" method was done too late, a girl intentionally gets pregnant because she's crazy in love with the guy, but the guy is just trying to have a good time. The original plan of "planned pregnancy" failed so couple went back to fun sex, in defiance of God, then got pregnant anyway. There's more. Sitting on a public toiler, anal sex that had some drippage, smoking pot or drinking underage, swallowing instead of spitting, spitting into your vagina, and finally being the Mother of Our Lord And Savior. There's so many ways to get pregnant it is hard to think anyone is not currently pregnant. Anyway, unplanned pregnancies are usually very upsetting at first, BUT then ruin your entire life. Well that's more true for women. The Prom Queen gets pregnant, the Prom King goes to college. The important part to remember about being a baby of an unplanned pregnancy is that you are still special, with regards to the odds of existing, but you are much less special in the eyes of your regretful parents. They don't want you and hopefully they'll put you up for adoption and not put you up in a garbage dumpster. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll cover dumpster babies later on.
Alright, Part One is complete. I wrote more on train, but now's not the time to do anymore writing
Birth: Part One
Most people, if not all people, don't have control of their births. In fact, the odds of you existing the exact way that you do is extraordinary. Millions of sperm inside each of the billions of men on earth. Out of all those men, one finds one of the billions of women, sleeps with her, shoots millions of sperm into her vagina during ejaculation and impregnant her egg or eggs. I'm no mathematician, but I'm going to guess with all those people and all them sperm, the odds of you being born is like 1 out of 50. Pretty high right? Well maybe I'll make an equation. It's something like (Sperm X Men)/(Population of Women/Eggs)=50 TRILLION! 50 trillion. Think about that and just how special and rare you really are.
So to be born is pretty special and even though you have no control of it, it is a necessary STEP 1 to Life. You can't live without being born. (At least thats true right now. The future might change that. I'm not sure how cloning works or if people in the Matrix or born or actually grown. But that's for the peopel in the future to worry about. Let's focus on us) Technically, your life begins while you are in the womb. You go through so many stages as you develop in your mother. You start as a simple egg with a sperm, making a whole DNA strand. Once fertilized the egg splits into more and more cells and then you're a fetus. My 8th grade biology education has left me so if you wish to learn more about cleavage and placenta just google it, though in the case of cleavage be sure to add baby or pregnancy in the search, though "pregnant cleavage" might get you some misleading and possibly disturbing pictures. I feel like my statement that you exist before birth is cause for an abortion argument, which isn't what I'm trying to start. Unless the argument involves two woman, HOT women, in bikinis, and the only way to win the argument is to rip the other one's bikini off. In that case, I hope I inspired an informative debate about abortion.
Hot bikini chicks aside, births are special. Special for you, your parents, maybe even the doctor. And before I get to the different types of birth, I will discuss the different types of pregnancy. You have your planned pregnancy where a man and a woman have sex with the only intention to get the woman pregnant, the way God intended it. God loves this type of pregnancy be HE believes sex is evil and should only be done to increase the population of the Catholics. While there's planned pregnancy, there's also unplanned pregnancy. Now the reasons for unplanned pregnancy are plentiful. Condom could've broken, birth control pills were actually candy, the "pull out" method was done too late, a girl intentionally gets pregnant because she's crazy in love with the guy, but the guy is just trying to have a good time. The original plan of "planned pregnancy" failed so couple went back to fun sex, in defiance of God, then got pregnant anyway. There's more. Sitting on a public toiler, anal sex that had some drippage, smoking pot or drinking underage, swallowing instead of spitting, spitting into your vagina, and finally being the Mother of Our Lord And Savior. There's so many ways to get pregnant it is hard to think anyone is not currently pregnant. Anyway, unplanned pregnancies are usually very upsetting at first, BUT then ruin your entire life. Well that's more true for women. The Prom Queen gets pregnant, the Prom King goes to college. The important part to remember about being a baby of an unplanned pregnancy is that you are still special, with regards to the odds of existing, but you are much less special in the eyes of your regretful parents. They don't want you and hopefully they'll put you up for adoption and not put you up in a garbage dumpster. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll cover dumpster babies later on.
Alright, Part One is complete. I wrote more on train, but now's not the time to do anymore writing
Monday, August 30, 2010
HOW TO LIVE
I've decided that I'm going to change the point of this blog. I haven't written here in a long time and I think that's due to lack of a theme. So I came up with a good topic to write my blog around. I didn't just come up with this today, or yesterday, or even a month ago. I'd have to ask my dad exactly when, but I'm gonna guess 5th grade. It was around the time I got "Bart Simpson's Guide to Life" and my Simpsons fandom was peaking pretty good at age 11. Though I did build the best fucking Simpsons Trivia game ever in 7th grade (w/the help of one Meridith Neirenberg).
It was an idea for a book. A book about Life. Not about the board game, though that could be include, but more specifically about How to Live Life. You're probably saying to yourself, "Dave there's already books about how to live life," or maybe "Why am I reading this blog right now" or even "What are these odd characters on this screen. I wish I could read" Well, I'll say that there are many books about how you SHOULD live life, or how you SHOULD live a BETTER life, but no books on how to live. What's the difference? Well this isn't a self-help book. I don't care if you are overweight or have some mental issues, this book won't help you. But if you don't know how to consume food, or intake oxygen, then this is exactly what you are looking for.
Are you confused? This book, now blog, gives direction on how to live and how to continue to live. It will tell you how to breathe, eat, drink, anything that one person needs to exist. If you are overweight, go buy a diet book. If you are on your death bed, read this blog. If you still don't understand, I'm sure it will make complete sense once I begin to write more entries into the blog.
It should be noted at this juncture that I almost never proofread my blogs, I never edit, and most of the time I'm intoxicated while writing, so I apologize for any entries that offend, confuse, or enrage you the reader. Also, my grammar skills are not that great, but if that makes you offended or enraged, I don't care; confused, well that would make sense.
So stay tuned for my next post. HOW TO LIVE: CHAPTER 1. BIRTH
It was an idea for a book. A book about Life. Not about the board game, though that could be include, but more specifically about How to Live Life. You're probably saying to yourself, "Dave there's already books about how to live life," or maybe "Why am I reading this blog right now" or even "What are these odd characters on this screen. I wish I could read" Well, I'll say that there are many books about how you SHOULD live life, or how you SHOULD live a BETTER life, but no books on how to live. What's the difference? Well this isn't a self-help book. I don't care if you are overweight or have some mental issues, this book won't help you. But if you don't know how to consume food, or intake oxygen, then this is exactly what you are looking for.
Are you confused? This book, now blog, gives direction on how to live and how to continue to live. It will tell you how to breathe, eat, drink, anything that one person needs to exist. If you are overweight, go buy a diet book. If you are on your death bed, read this blog. If you still don't understand, I'm sure it will make complete sense once I begin to write more entries into the blog.
It should be noted at this juncture that I almost never proofread my blogs, I never edit, and most of the time I'm intoxicated while writing, so I apologize for any entries that offend, confuse, or enrage you the reader. Also, my grammar skills are not that great, but if that makes you offended or enraged, I don't care; confused, well that would make sense.
So stay tuned for my next post. HOW TO LIVE: CHAPTER 1. BIRTH
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Christmas Song
I will not be posting this link on facebook because of why I'm posting. I just found my self-written Xmas Song about Mrs. Claus. It's called "Mrs. Claus: I Love You." I'm putting it here so I will have a copy of it somewhere.
On this Silent Night,
You sit all alone.
Roasting Chestnuts,
On that open fire glow.
But this Winter Wonderland,
Just can not do,
O Mrs. Claus,
I Love You.
I'll fuck you in the front, I'll fuck you in the back
I'll fuck you with an elf in the reindeer shack.
I'll fuck you in the ass in Santa's Workshop.
And the only thing I ask is to cum in your twat.
Your titties make me hard, I just love your bust,
I'll fig your pudding while you roast on my nuts.
O Mrs. Claus
You're an Angel It's True.
O Mrs. Claus, I Love You.
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
You can jingle my balls while you suck on my cock.
Frosty's got his pipe and some extra weed,
Let's smoke this shit, then I'll give you what you need.
Rudolph shines his nose so bright,
I'll cum in you face if that's what you like.
O Mrs. Claus
You're an Angel It's True.
O Mrs. Claus, I Love You.
It's bukkake time so I brought some friends,
The Grinch, Scrooge, and the Three Wise Men.
Santa tonight may be going to town,
But I'll make you cume when I make my dick brown.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,
So fuck that dick and show him who's boss
Santa's back so I'm gonna go,
I'll see you next year you slutty ass ho
On this Silent Night,
You sit all alone.
Roasting Chestnuts,
On that open fire glow.
But this Winter Wonderland,
Just can not do,
O Mrs. Claus,
I Love You.
I'll fuck you in the front, I'll fuck you in the back
I'll fuck you with an elf in the reindeer shack.
I'll fuck you in the ass in Santa's Workshop.
And the only thing I ask is to cum in your twat.
Your titties make me hard, I just love your bust,
I'll fig your pudding while you roast on my nuts.
O Mrs. Claus
You're an Angel It's True.
O Mrs. Claus, I Love You.
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
You can jingle my balls while you suck on my cock.
Frosty's got his pipe and some extra weed,
Let's smoke this shit, then I'll give you what you need.
Rudolph shines his nose so bright,
I'll cum in you face if that's what you like.
O Mrs. Claus
You're an Angel It's True.
O Mrs. Claus, I Love You.
It's bukkake time so I brought some friends,
The Grinch, Scrooge, and the Three Wise Men.
Santa tonight may be going to town,
But I'll make you cume when I make my dick brown.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,
So fuck that dick and show him who's boss
Santa's back so I'm gonna go,
I'll see you next year you slutty ass ho
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I Apologize
I started this blog to increase my writing, and yet here I am, (INSERT TIME) later and I missed (INSERT TIME) so I'll make it up to my followers. A.K.A No one (Well Kirsten told me she follows me, but other than that) here's to you Kirsten. I'll make this quick because I'm getting drunker and tireder as I type.
I'm going to make 3 points of business. No. I won't
I'm writing and here we go. Forget the last blog. I was gonna make a joke about walking in on your friend's parents having sex and them not caring since u aren't their child and u never being welcome again, but I'm not going to.
I'm going to make a solid point. That point is...Well that point is...Well here it is...
A few weeks ago, AJ gave me his How I Met Your Mother DVD's. There's a character that hits on every girl, and gets laid all the time. I began to think, Hrmph, maybe I should start getting proactive. Stop being afraid of girls saying NO, and start thinking, Maybe they'll say YES. So I'm rethinking my social atmosphere. Not to say I do anything wrong or right, but I'm going to change the way I do wrong or right. I'm tired of being afraid of NO. I'm tired of them saying "Dave Seeman, you should slash your wrist" and I'm tired of being tired. So from now on, so what if a girl says no. Everytime I approach a girl, and they say no, I'm still happy I went up to them.
I'm going to finish this blog. I didn't really have a point, I didn't have a message, but by Golly I'm just trying to build a better self.
I'm going to make 3 points of business. No. I won't
I'm writing and here we go. Forget the last blog. I was gonna make a joke about walking in on your friend's parents having sex and them not caring since u aren't their child and u never being welcome again, but I'm not going to.
I'm going to make a solid point. That point is...Well that point is...Well here it is...
A few weeks ago, AJ gave me his How I Met Your Mother DVD's. There's a character that hits on every girl, and gets laid all the time. I began to think, Hrmph, maybe I should start getting proactive. Stop being afraid of girls saying NO, and start thinking, Maybe they'll say YES. So I'm rethinking my social atmosphere. Not to say I do anything wrong or right, but I'm going to change the way I do wrong or right. I'm tired of being afraid of NO. I'm tired of them saying "Dave Seeman, you should slash your wrist" and I'm tired of being tired. So from now on, so what if a girl says no. Everytime I approach a girl, and they say no, I'm still happy I went up to them.
I'm going to finish this blog. I didn't really have a point, I didn't have a message, but by Golly I'm just trying to build a better self.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Adult Sex
So I would apologize, but there aren't enough followers for me to feel sorry for not writing recently. I'm going to start with something i might have already spoken of, but i'm going to switch it up a bit.
I am drunk currently which has been one of my goals with this blog; to write a drunken blog entry that is entertaining and informative. So here we go.
I've never walked in on my parents haven't sex. I can image it would be horrifying and disturbing, but also somewhat expected. I mean everyone thinks about walking in on their parents having sex. As a kid you don't think about it, but you constantly walked in on your parents. "Hey, it's cold in my room." "Mom, there's a scary noise in my closet." "I thought you guys were having sex so I walked in." You exist because your parents had sex, so you must've thought about it. (Unless you were adopted, in which case you probably have access to a razorblade and can touch your wrist.)
Anyway, I'm about to fall alseep so I'll try to make this quick. Imagine how awkward it is to see your parents have sex. You don't want to see it, they don't want you to see it, but at least you'll get a comforting talk. What it more awkward is walking in on your Friends Parents having sex.
I'm really tired so I'll finish this thought tomorrow. For the time being, don't walk into your parent's or friend's parents' bedrooms.
I am drunk currently which has been one of my goals with this blog; to write a drunken blog entry that is entertaining and informative. So here we go.
I've never walked in on my parents haven't sex. I can image it would be horrifying and disturbing, but also somewhat expected. I mean everyone thinks about walking in on their parents having sex. As a kid you don't think about it, but you constantly walked in on your parents. "Hey, it's cold in my room." "Mom, there's a scary noise in my closet." "I thought you guys were having sex so I walked in." You exist because your parents had sex, so you must've thought about it. (Unless you were adopted, in which case you probably have access to a razorblade and can touch your wrist.)
Anyway, I'm about to fall alseep so I'll try to make this quick. Imagine how awkward it is to see your parents have sex. You don't want to see it, they don't want you to see it, but at least you'll get a comforting talk. What it more awkward is walking in on your Friends Parents having sex.
I'm really tired so I'll finish this thought tomorrow. For the time being, don't walk into your parent's or friend's parents' bedrooms.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Burning Down the House / Animals
Early post today. I've been wanting to write a drunk entry, but when I get drunk I also get tired, so I usually fall asleep instead of writing. It may be for the better. Usually when I get drunk I get stuck on one topic for a very long time and in a lot of unnecessary detail. So on this beautiful summer day, I'll give you a sober entry. Though I plan on start drinking pretty soon, so maybe later I'll give you a drunk entry.
I had a dream last night that I had to drive to some business outside the city where apparently everyone I knew worked. So after carpooling with everyone there I parked my car. My friends were also drunk for their 9-5 jobs and stood in front of a car trying to park. Now they only did it for like 10 seconds, so it wasn't that bad, but the driver of the car didn't laugh. In fact he came out, along with 3 of his friends and put a knife in my face. As the driver and the only one who didn't work their, I didn't feel that a knife in my face was appropriate. We all eventually calmed down and me and the knife wielding man got some Chinese food. During our Chinese food eating, I bumped into a friend who happen to be driving a huge van that day. Well by standing in front of the car like my friends did, it apparently made the car break, which I only learned at this moment as the knife wielding man explained how he needed a ride. So we picked everyone up and the van friend drove everyone home. When I got home I realized I forgot my car. I said I'd just go tomorrow with everyone again and pick up my car when they went to work. NOPE. Because everyone was drunk and carrying knives, everyone got fired and no one wanted to ever go back to the building. The knife wielding man offered to drive me back that night. When we got to my car, the doors, locks, and other parts were missing. Then the knife wielding man cursed me out, took credit for the theft and pushed me out of the car. I wasn't really that upset with being stranded, but I was confused how he blamed me for the car breaking down.
So that was all I could really think of to write about. I also had a dream where bonnarroo was in Boston and everyone was eating salami sandwiches that had some type of drug in it.
As I'm watching "Life" a movie about Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence in prison back in the 30's. They spend their whole LIFES in jail, hence the name. The thought that had crossed my mind is that I would much rather be in a black work camp prison then any white prison any day. They spend their days outside, talking and making jokes, playing baseball, sleeping with the warden's daughter. Sounds like a much better time then Andy Dufrene getting ass raped by the Sisters. And when they escape, they just set fire to a building, they don't have to crawl through 3 football fields of shit and piss.
Speaking of burning down buildings, does anyone else ever get that urge? To just set fire to buildings and furniture and people? No...yeah, me neither.
I think if I could speak to any animal in the world, I could only pick one species of animal to talk to, it would be alligators. Some people might pick dogs, because you have them as a pet. Well the conversations would never get past food. And knowing that they can talk to you, well they are so attached to people they would never stop talking to you. "I love you. I love you, can I eat something" No thanks. Cats probably wouldn't even talk back to you, those stuck up assholes.
Maybe someone would pick something more exotic, like a lion or elephant. Well the only times I would interact with an animal like that would be at a zoo, and zoo's aren't a happy place for animals. They would provide you with very depressing conversations and you'd probably just stop going to the zoo after that. So this is why I'd pick alligators. Alligators can kill you. They will kill you because they like to eat, and people are weaker and stupider than alligators. So with the ability to talk to alligators I could form an alliance with them. I could convince them that I am a great man and I should not be eaten. Even more so, I could convince them who SHOULD be eaten and form an army of alligators. And no one would know that it was me behind these killings, they would just blame the alligators. And then after people started getting really scared, that's when I would train the alligators to set fire to buildings. Then I would set fire to buildings. So much burning...but yeah, alligators. I would also accept any other animal with a killing capacity.
I mean at the very least I wouldn't have to worry about alligators and at the very best I engulf the world in flames with my Army of Torch Alligators. ATA they'd be known as, at least until everyone was dead. Then they wouldn't be known as anything, since everyone would be dead. But then you have to worry about the alligators that find out my plan and sympathize with humanity. I'd have to come up with a Fascist government regime for the alligators and make sure I found out the spies. Though, with alligators, I can't see much of them caring about humanity. Though they might be using me, and right as I conquer the world, they eat me and then they have the power.
There's a lot of kinks to work out, but you shouldn't worry about it. Just live your life to the fullest, keep on dreaming, and when an alligator starts eating you, just accept the inevitable and get eaten.
Alright, let's get some lunch in me.
I had a dream last night that I had to drive to some business outside the city where apparently everyone I knew worked. So after carpooling with everyone there I parked my car. My friends were also drunk for their 9-5 jobs and stood in front of a car trying to park. Now they only did it for like 10 seconds, so it wasn't that bad, but the driver of the car didn't laugh. In fact he came out, along with 3 of his friends and put a knife in my face. As the driver and the only one who didn't work their, I didn't feel that a knife in my face was appropriate. We all eventually calmed down and me and the knife wielding man got some Chinese food. During our Chinese food eating, I bumped into a friend who happen to be driving a huge van that day. Well by standing in front of the car like my friends did, it apparently made the car break, which I only learned at this moment as the knife wielding man explained how he needed a ride. So we picked everyone up and the van friend drove everyone home. When I got home I realized I forgot my car. I said I'd just go tomorrow with everyone again and pick up my car when they went to work. NOPE. Because everyone was drunk and carrying knives, everyone got fired and no one wanted to ever go back to the building. The knife wielding man offered to drive me back that night. When we got to my car, the doors, locks, and other parts were missing. Then the knife wielding man cursed me out, took credit for the theft and pushed me out of the car. I wasn't really that upset with being stranded, but I was confused how he blamed me for the car breaking down.
So that was all I could really think of to write about. I also had a dream where bonnarroo was in Boston and everyone was eating salami sandwiches that had some type of drug in it.
As I'm watching "Life" a movie about Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence in prison back in the 30's. They spend their whole LIFES in jail, hence the name. The thought that had crossed my mind is that I would much rather be in a black work camp prison then any white prison any day. They spend their days outside, talking and making jokes, playing baseball, sleeping with the warden's daughter. Sounds like a much better time then Andy Dufrene getting ass raped by the Sisters. And when they escape, they just set fire to a building, they don't have to crawl through 3 football fields of shit and piss.
Speaking of burning down buildings, does anyone else ever get that urge? To just set fire to buildings and furniture and people? No...yeah, me neither.
I think if I could speak to any animal in the world, I could only pick one species of animal to talk to, it would be alligators. Some people might pick dogs, because you have them as a pet. Well the conversations would never get past food. And knowing that they can talk to you, well they are so attached to people they would never stop talking to you. "I love you. I love you, can I eat something" No thanks. Cats probably wouldn't even talk back to you, those stuck up assholes.
Maybe someone would pick something more exotic, like a lion or elephant. Well the only times I would interact with an animal like that would be at a zoo, and zoo's aren't a happy place for animals. They would provide you with very depressing conversations and you'd probably just stop going to the zoo after that. So this is why I'd pick alligators. Alligators can kill you. They will kill you because they like to eat, and people are weaker and stupider than alligators. So with the ability to talk to alligators I could form an alliance with them. I could convince them that I am a great man and I should not be eaten. Even more so, I could convince them who SHOULD be eaten and form an army of alligators. And no one would know that it was me behind these killings, they would just blame the alligators. And then after people started getting really scared, that's when I would train the alligators to set fire to buildings. Then I would set fire to buildings. So much burning...but yeah, alligators. I would also accept any other animal with a killing capacity.
I mean at the very least I wouldn't have to worry about alligators and at the very best I engulf the world in flames with my Army of Torch Alligators. ATA they'd be known as, at least until everyone was dead. Then they wouldn't be known as anything, since everyone would be dead. But then you have to worry about the alligators that find out my plan and sympathize with humanity. I'd have to come up with a Fascist government regime for the alligators and make sure I found out the spies. Though, with alligators, I can't see much of them caring about humanity. Though they might be using me, and right as I conquer the world, they eat me and then they have the power.
There's a lot of kinks to work out, but you shouldn't worry about it. Just live your life to the fullest, keep on dreaming, and when an alligator starts eating you, just accept the inevitable and get eaten.
Alright, let's get some lunch in me.
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